


He Came Along and Showed Me How to Let Go

by Normal_Norman



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Comforting Jesus (Walking Dead), Constellations, Daryl feels guilty, Daryl hates calling Paul Jesus, Daryl loves Paul, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Established Relationship, Fluff, Guilt, M/M, Paul is blunt, So he refuses, mentions of glenn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 11:45:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10661925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Normal_Norman/pseuds/Normal_Norman
Summary: Even though Maggie told Daryl that it wasn't his fault that Glenn died, Daryl still feels terribly guilty and can't look at her or even be in the trailer while she is. Paul helps Daryl let his emotions out by telling him what needs to be said.





	He Came Along and Showed Me How to Let Go

Daryl wasn't trying to be a dick, not really. He felt so damn guilty and he just didn't know where he wanted to be or where he could be. He damn sure didn't want to be at the Kingdom. Their "holier than thou" attitudes really pissed him off while he was there so he knew he needed to leave before he said or did something they'd all regret. He definitely didn't want to be in Alexandria with Negan wanting him back so badly because that's the first place Negan would look. So, here he was. Not that it was any better than anywhere else but the Hilltop was something. He also couldn't deny the fact that he and Jesus have gotten pretty close over the last couple of weeks. 

But Maggie is here and no matter what she tells him, he still feels guilty as hell. He can barely look at her and her growing bump without seeing Glenn. He couldn't even be in the trailer while she was without feeling overwhelmingly guilty. Which is why it's late at night and he's currently sitting on top of the picnic table, staring at the stars. When his mind goes to that dark place, he tries to find every constellation he can remember from when he was a child. He’s always been fond of the stars; so much so that he sat in the library as a kid for hours on end just reading about where the constellations are and how they were named. They were also his escape back then, too. On nights that his father was on the warpath, he'd go outside and just stare at the stars until sunrise. 

He's jerked out of his thoughts when he hears footsteps approach lightly and at first, he thinks it's Maggie coming to tell him to get inside, but the footsteps stop and he feels the table jerk as someone jumps up to sit on the top. He glances over and sees  _ Jesus _ then rolls his eyes. God, he fucking hates that nickname which is why he refuses to call him by it. 

"You don't have to call me Jesus, you know," the younger man says as he lays back on the table. Daryl watches as he folds his arms under his head and stares at the sky.  _ Thank god he's not looking at me, _ Daryl thinks. If he got one more pitying look, he'd go crazy. Though he soon realizes that Paul has never given him a pitying look. Paul has always looked at him with nothing but pure adoration. 

"Have I ever?" Daryl responds after a beat. That earns him a chuckle from the younger man. Daryl loved the sound of Paul laughing. It was one of the things in this shitty new world that actually made him happy. So, he tried to do it often. 

"Nah, but I just wanted to tell you. I don't want to be some pretentious asshole and make you feel like you have to call me Jesus," Daryl jerks his head toward the other man because he doesn't think he's ever heard him say a cuss word until just then. They’ve been practically attached at the hip since the first attack on Negan and he hasn’t ever heard Paul say anything close to a cuss word. Even in cases where they’ve been fighting off a group of maybe 15 walkers, Paul never let any slip while Daryl was letting them fly left and right.  

"So, he's not entirely a saint after all. What're you doin' out here, anyway?" Daryl asks as he shifts to lean on his knees. Looking at the grass in front of him, he feels Paul sit up and glances over as he crosses his legs in front of him on top of the table. Daryl also loved how relaxed Paul always looked. He could be stressed to the max and still look as calm as he is now. 

"The only good thing about the world ending, beginning for some, is that there isn't any light pollution. I like to take advantage of that on nights when sleep evades me so, I come out here and stare at the sky until sunrise. The sky and stars are the only things that I'm sure will still be there the next day. Keeps me grounded, I guess," Paul says the last part with a shrug. Daryl looks over and sees him staring at the sky again. He realized a few weeks ago just how much he cared for the man. 

If Paul got blindsided by a walker, Daryl’s heart dropped to his feet. If Paul didn’t land on his feet after a kick or a jump, Daryl was calling out to make sure he was okay. If Paul wasn’t within his line of vision or within his hearing range, he started to panic. He’d only recently realized what he was feeling for him and worked up the courage to tell him. Much to his surprise, Paul just laughed and pulled him into a kiss. 

"Yeah, well, at least you can look Maggie in the face without seein' her dead husband's crushed skull," Daryl says as he put his head in his hands. Paul has been asking him for days why he won’t sleep in the trailer while Maggie is there. Daryl never gave him an answer; he just shrugged and walked away. He hears Paul suck in a deep breath and let it out slowly. He knows what's coming next; the pity he doesn't want. Except, nothing comes. Paul doesn't say anything. Daryl looks over at him after a few seconds of silence, only to see Paul staring at him. 

"So that’s why you won’t sleep in the trailer or look at Maggie. Daryl, I know people have constantly told you that it wasn't your fault, but deep down, you know that you indirectly caused his death and that tears you apart. But you need to realize that you can’t change the past. You have to grieve for him and then let that grief push you forward. You have to fight for him and Maggie needs you to fight. Maggie really does forgive you. Her desire to smash Negan's skull in with that damn bat of his is the only thing she’s concerned about. I mean, that and the baby. Believe me, I am Jesus after all," Paul finishes with a charming smile. Daryl grins a little but then he realizes that Paul is right and his smile falls from his face. He feels like there’s a truck sitting on his chest and he takes a deep breath. 

He can feel the tears stinging his eyes, but he can't bring himself to care. Who cares if he loses it right here on this picnic table in the middle of the night? Paul has witnessed him do much worse so, he just lets the feelings overwhelm him. He needs to let these negative emotions out and replace them with raw determination and hatred. So, that’s just what he does; he absolutely loses it.

The sobs wrack his body so hard the picnic table shakes under him. He's so wrapped up in his emotions that he doesn't notice that Paul has moved closer and started rubbing his back. He just lets everything spill out that he's been trying to push down and forget. He realizes now that you can't just push everything aside and forget it. Sometimes you have to acknowledge the pain and deal with it as soon as you feel it. 

When he finally calms down, he so exhausted that he just leans over and lets his head fall into Paul's lap. He knows how it looks but he doesn't care at all. Everyone already knows that they’re together. He doesn't even jerk away when Paul moves his hand to run it through his hair. He's just so damn tired and just wants to be around someone that doesn't beat around the bush when it comes to him. Daryl needed someone to be blunt and honest with him to be able to let go of the pain and replace it with pure hatred for Negan. 

"Thank you," Daryl says with a shaky breath. He's never let go like that in front of anyone. Yeah, he's cried in front of a few of his group members but never anything like that. That was pure, raw emotion and it was messy. 

"All I did was tell you the truth. You did the rest. It's good to feel something every once in awhile, especially now. I should really take my own advice," Paul says with a chuckle that causes Daryl to look up at him. Daryl smiles at the man he’s come to love. Paul looks down and smiles back at him. Daryl moves to lay on his back with his head still in Paul's lap. Daryl makes a mental note that Paul makes a decent pillow, not that he'd ever tell him that because Paul would never let him live it down. 

"Can we talk for awhile? I mean, unless you're ready to go to bed. I don't want to keep you up," Daryl asks while looking anywhere but at Paul while chewing on the side of his thumb. It's a nasty nervous habit, but he can't seem to break himself of it. And by nasty, he literally means disgusting; not just unsightly. Paul looks down at him and Daryl can see that he’s tired so he makes a move to get up, but he stops when Paul puts a hand on his chest.   
  
“Yes, I am tired, but no, I am not ready to go to bed. We can talk for awhile longer. What do you want to talk about?” Paul asks without taking his hand off of Daryl’s chest. Daryl can feel the heat from Paul’s palm and it’s honestly calming him down; grounding him per say. Daryl looks back at him and smiles. It hits him that he doesn’t know anything about the man looking down at him.   
  
“Tell me more about you,” Daryl says quietly. Paul smiles and Daryl feels a strange emotion come over him when Paul starts rubbing his thumb across his chest. It’s not a bad emotion, but it’s something that he hasn’t felt in a long, long time.   
  
“Well, there’s not much to tell. I grew up in a group home. Even though I was constantly surrounded by people, I could never get close to them. I never have been able to get close to anyone; not until recently anyway. I’ve had my share of friends and boyfriends. They never lasted, though. I always left them before they could leave me. Now with the world ending and all, I’m trying to get close to people and let people get close to me. Although, that may be unwise because I could lose them tomorrow, but it’s good to be close to someone while you have the chance,” Paul finishes with a smile. Daryl puts his hands on his belly and shakes his head.   
  
“I’ve been the same way. I haven’t ever really been close to anyone except a few members of my group. I..uh..I’ve never actually had a relationship. I’ve been with a few people but never anything longer than a night,” Daryl tells him quietly. He’s never really opened up to Paul before tonight. He's just told him the basic things like where he grew up and about his family. If he talked too much about himself or his past, his thoughts went to a very dark place very fast.  
  
“Yeah, I’ve had a couple one night stands, but the guy was normally gone before I woke up,” Paul finishes with a smile and looks down at Daryl. Daryl has to resist the urge to tuck Paul’s hair behind his ear when it falls in his face. He gives into the urge anyway and tucks the hair behind his ear then cups Paul’s cheek with his hand. He smiles when Paul leans into his touch.

“I don’t plan on leavin’ anytime too soon,” Daryl says just barely above a whisper. He lightly pulls Paul’s head down and gently kisses his lips. Paul smiles into the kiss and pulls away. Daryl stares at Paul for a moment then looks at the stars. The stars were his saviors most nights. They were one of the things that kept him going. 

“I’m glad. Can I ask you something off topic?” Paul asks as he looks up at the stars himself. Daryl searches the sky for his favorite constellation and when he finds it, he looks over at Paul. 

“Hmm?” Daryl hums and starts to chew on his thumb again. Paul looks down at him and pushes his thumb away from his mouth. Daryl puts his hands back on his belly and waits for Paul to speak.

“Do you know where any of the constellations are?” Paul asks after a few seconds of silence. Daryl smiles and points to a star low in the sky. He’s lucky that he can still see the Phoenix all the way up here in Virginia. It sits just barely over the horizon. He read that it’s best seen in Australia and South Africa. He also read that the closer you are to the equator the better you can see it. 

“See that star there? That’s the bottom of a constellation called the Phoenix; it’s my favorite. You could see it better in Georgia, though. It’s not as popular as Orion’s belt or the dippers but that’s one of the reasons I like it,” Daryl says as he traces the constellation with his finger. Stars always calm him down enough to make him want to sleep. He yawns and looks up at Paul who does the same. 

“Can we do this again sometime? I wanna know where the zodiac constellations are but right now, I’m ready for bed. Care to join me?” Paul says with a small smile as he rubs his thumb across Daryl’s chest again. Daryl nods and sits up. He stretches and gets down off the table then holds out his hand for Paul to take. Paul does and laces their fingers together as they walk back to the trailer. 

They quietly slip inside as to not wake Maggie. They toe off their boots and Daryl looks at Maggie for a few minutes then quietly walks over to her and places a light kiss on the top of her head. He whispers an ‘I’m sorry’ as she turns to lay on her other side. Daryl turns and follows Paul down the short hallway to what has become their bedroom. Daryl strips down to his undershirt and boxers as Paul strips down to his boxers and slips on a pair of gray sweatpants. They slide under the covers then Paul turns off the bedside lamp. 

“M’tired,” Daryl says as he relaxes into the bed and shuts his eyes. He feels Paul move closer to him and curl into his side. He jumps a little when Paul lays his arm across Daryl’s belly and lets out a sigh. The breath tickles Daryl’s side but he doesn’t care; he loves having Paul close to him. 

“G’night, Daryl. Sweet dreams,” Daryl hears Paul say quietly. He knows that Paul is on the verge of sleep so he wraps his arm around Paul and kisses the top of his head. He feels Paul kiss his chest and smiles. He hasn’t been this happy in a long, long time. He feels like tonight will be the first night that he actually does have sweet dreams. 

“G’night, Paul,” Daryl whispers and slowly starts to drift off. Before he knows it, he’s sleeping peacefully with the man he loves next to him. It’s the first night that he doesn’t have nightmares about Glenn or being locked in that little cell in the Sanctuary. 

Paul came along and showed him how to finally let go.


End file.
